Imagine my surprise, and horror, when I logged into my Facebook account and saw a picture of my teenage daughter giving the middle finger. I immediately posted a comment that she has not been taught to behave that way. Immediately after posting my comment a horrendous thought went through my mind: what if she had been taught to behave that way? Even worse, what if I am the one who taught her that?
Proverbs 22:6 tells us to train our children in the way they should go, and when they are old they won’t depart from it. The New Living Translation puts it this way: “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”(NLTse)
This verse has been repeating itself in my head non-stop for nearly 16 hours now. I mention this because, as much as it pains me to admit, it is likely that I taught my daughter to behave that way. All of my children have learned some atrocious behaviors from me. Yes, I taught my children the Bible stories, and all the Sunday school songs. I tried to make sure they were raised in church. But that wasn’t enough.
Where did I go wrong? The answer to that question lies not in what I told them, but what I showed them. There was a time, when my children were younger, that I frequently allowed my emotions to rule my actions, and my words. I’m embarrassed to admit that, at one time, I frequently used obscene hand gestures. You cut me off? No problem, I’d just “flip the bird.” And I did this without even thinking about it. Some of the words, and thoughts that use to come out of my mouth were horrible. I am almost 45 years old, and if I still talked like that and my mother heard it, she would proceed to vigorously wash my mouth out with soap. And she would probably still smack my hand if I flipped the bird, or made some other obscene gesture.
Now in my case, my parents did not teach me to use those gestures or words. I learned it at school from the other kids. I recall the first time I used a vulgar word. I had heard a kindergarten friend use that same word as we were walking home from school. However, when I used the word immediately after she did she said she was going to tell on me. I didn’t even know it was a bad word. I ran all the way home, locked the door and begged my mother not to open it, when the little girl knocked. Funny thing, my friend was a preacher’s kid too. And her parents were friends with my parents, so I think I can safely say that she didn’t learn that word from her parents either. I also recall that upon hearing what I had said my mom asked me where I had learned that word. She then asked if I had heard her or my dad use that word and I hadn’t. Up until that day, I hadn’t heard words like that.
Knowing that our children are exposed to these behaviors, and words and attitudes makes it even more imperative that we as parents not simply tell them how to behave, but we must also set the example. The “do as I say, not as I do” mentality is simply not the proper way to teach our children. If we are to follow the verse to train our children in the way they should go, then a large part of that training must include us behaving in the way that we expect our children to behave.
Do you want your children to respect others? Then you must be respectful toward others.
Do you want your daughters, and sons, to dress modestly? Then dress yourself appropriately.
Do you want your children to clean up after themselves, and help with the dishes? Then pick up after yourself, and show them how to do the dishes.
Do you want your children to respect you and your spouse? Then you and your spouse need to respect each other, as well as your children.
Do you want your children to learn to trust God? Then you must trust God.
We set the example. And our example for living lives that are pleasing to God is Christ.
Sometimes I wonder if the concept is too simple for us to grasp. It’s not enough to simply tell our children how to behave. We must show them how to behave. If we don’t, then we are not completing the task. If we simply tell our children how to behave, or what to do or not do, without following our own instructions, then we have failed in our mission. Our children, and their souls are too precious, and too important to only do a halfway job.
I pray that my changes didn’t come about too late for my children to benefit. I also pray that they really give themselves fully to God. Which brings me to one last important part of parenting. Our children also need to see us praying.