Category: Journal

I’m Not Worthy, but by God’s grace

/ CD Hamman / 1 Comment

Today I led my church in communion. I have been assisting my pastor with serving communion for some time. But today, he asked me to take the lead. I don’t think this is unusual, as my pastor is helping me as I continue to prepare for ministry. But today, I suddenly identified a little bit with Martin Luther.

When Martin Luther preached his first mass he hesitated during the consecration of the elements. He believed in the very real presence of Christ in the bread and wine. He suddenly felt like he was a weak and unworthy sinner, and therefore he was unworthy to be holding the Lord in his hands.

After we served the elements, I stood before the congregation, holding the bread in one hand, and the wine (well, the juice in our tradition) in the other. I know almost by heart how it is supposed to go. I have taken communion many times through out my life. I have rehearsed what I’m supposed to say, from the admonition to not partake unworthily to the words of Christ, “… do this in remembrance of me.” But today, my mind went blank, and I froze. As I stood before the congregation, holding the elements, all I could think was, “My God. I am not worthy to do this.” Like Martin Luther, I managed to finish celebrating the Lord’s Supper, my words jumbled, my heart pounding. But, I got through it, by God’s grace.

That’s really it. It’s all by God’s grace. We celebrate the Lord’s Supper, or communion, to remember the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross. Without the cross, and the resurrection no one is worthy.

Nothing I do or say makes me worthy. I am only made worthy by accepting His grace and forgiveness. Christ gave so much, and he asks for so little, simply my absolute surrender.

Are you ready to surrender all to Jesus today, and to accept His grace?

Are your words dehumanizing?

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How do you refer to a prostitute? Do we use words like lot lizard, slut, ho, or skank?

How do you refer to people who are gay? Are we using words like fag, homo, lesbo, or queer.

How about the person asking for money? “Maybe words like bum, lazy, derelict. Maybe even drunk, or addict.

What about immigrants; what words do you use to refer to them? Are words like wetback, rag head, and other derogatory terms a regular part of your vocabulary?

What about that person who just made a really stupid move and cut you off in traffic? Do we come up with words like idiot, moron and others, that if I said, or printed, my mother would wash my mouth out with soap.

I hate to admit it, but I have used many of the above words to refer to people. Did you catch that? Stop and think about if for a minute. These are people. Do terms like lot lizard, faggot, drunk, bum, or idiot make you think of a person? It’s all too easy to use these terms to refer to those we see as less than we are. And that’s just it. Using these words helps us to dehumanize the people in question.

What happens if we see these same people as human? Well, then we have to acknowledge that that prostitute is someone’s daughter, sister, maybe even someone’s mother. There’s even a good chance she may be a victim of human trafficking.

We then also have to acknowledge that the gay guy is someone’s son, brother, or uncle. He might even be someone’s father. Or the lesbian is someone’s daughter, sister, aunt, and just maybe mother.

The same thing for the person asking for money, or the person who cut you off in traffic, and the immigrant. And on and on it goes. They are people.

Why does it matter what words we choose to use? It matters because they are people. If we can ignore their humanity then it becomes easier to treat them badly. Dehumanizing others allows us to excuse mistreatment of others. I would venture to say that the atrocities of the past prove my point. Hitler dehumanized the Jews, those who held slaves saw them as nothing more than chattel to be bought and sold. Of course those are just two examples within the past 200 years, but there are many other examples. More current examples would be terror groups calling people infidels and killing them for not sharing their beliefs, or hate groups who picket funerals of those they deem less than godly declaring that God hates them.

The most important reason that it matters is because Christ died for them too. We can’t reach them for Christ if we fail to see and recognize their humanity.  What distinguishes His people is our love for others. How can we expect people to come to Christ if we who claim He is our Lord and Savior are unloving with our words? Their idea of God will be shaped, at least in part, by how His representatives act, as well as speak.

Are we Listening?

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Something strange happened today. When I stopped to get fuel, and take my 30 minute break, I met another driver. Nothing unusual about that, as I meet people all the time. But meeting this driver started as simply a friendly greeting in passing, as I was walking back to my truck, with my somewhat freshly made truckstop cheeseburger.

As I continued toward my truck, I got just a few steps away when I could almost hear a voice telling me to turn around, and go back and offer to pray with that driver. I have to admit, I hesitated. And I even argued. I mean, God just doesn’t speak to me that way. Sure, there have been other times I felt like God might be telling me something, and I’ve shrugged it off. But this was different. I tried telling myself this was crazy. I just could not shake the feeling that I needed to pray with this person. I had this sense that how I choose to respond was extremely important, in ways that I honestly don’t fully comprehend.

So, I said “OK, God. I think I may be going nuts, but, I’ll try this.” I turned around and walked back to this other driver, who was still outside her truck, adding coolant. As I approached, I said simply, “Please don’t think I’m nuts, but God told me to come back and offer to pray with you.” As I prayed with Julianne, I learned that she had simply needed a prayer partner today.

Then we parted ways, and I got back into my truck, started it, and started driving. As I’m pulling out of the truckstop, I have the radio on, and one of those radio preachers comes on. He started with a comment about how people say God doesn’t talk to us like He had in the past. The next thing he says is that maybe God has been talking to us, we just haven’t been listening like people did in the past. After hearing this, I couldn’t help but wonder about times in the past when I thought God might be telling me to do something, but I brushed it aside, because, “God never speaks to me that way.” Maybe God really was speaking those times, but I wasn’t listening. What about you? Are you listening?

Love didn’t win in the supreme court

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The headlines following the supreme court decision to overturn over 200 years of US law and history, and ignore all of human history and God, are spouting that love wins. I’m sorry to break this to you, but love didn’t win. Sin, selfishness, and politics won out in the supreme court. Many have tried to compare the civil rights movement to gay rights. There’s just one problem with that. One does not get to choose the color of his,or her, skin. We also do not get to choose our gender. I don’t care how you mutilate yourself, you cannot change your DNA, therefore you will be whatever gender you were born as, and your skin color will also not chance.

However, we DO get to choose our behaviors, and our lifestyle. Having said that, I’ll also warn you don’t get too comfortable if you think I’m about to jump on the anti-gay bandwagon. Far too often I have witnessed not only sinners refusing to obey God, but many of us in the church also demand to do it our own way.

How many of us harbor hatred toward another? What about gossip? I have heard gossip disguised as prayer requests, but it was nothing less that gossip. Are you honest in your finances, and your business dealings with others? What about in your marriage or dating? Are you faithful to your spouse? If your single, are you remaining sexually pure? Are you lusting after the opposite sex? These are just a few sins that come to mind. I mention these because it seems that we freely shout judgement and condemnation against gays and our government, while ignoring, or excusing our own sins. Worse, we’re so busy condemning them to hell that we seldom, if ever, share the Gospel. Of course, how can we share the Gospel with those who need it if we are busy alienating them, and sending them to hell.

I’m trying to find a balance between warning of the judgement we face, and proclaiming the great mercy of God that is available to us. As I ponder this, the story of Jonah comes to mind. It seems to me his true reason for trying to refuse to go to Nineveh is revealed toward the end of the story. After proclaiming God’s judgement against the city, Jonah went outside the city to wait and watch. He actually was upset that God spared them when they repented. He even told God, “See, I knew if they repented you would show them mercy.”
Yes, judgement is coming, but how much better to rejoice in His mercy when someone repents.

Yes, 5 justices of the supreme court have made a very bad decision, that flies in the face of history and law. Yes, homosexuality is sin. So are gossip, drunkenness, lust, greed, lying, and adultery. But love still wins in the end. God’s love for us, and his mercy, if only we will repent, turn away from sin, all sin, and follow Him. How much greater impact would we have if we love each other enough to actually share the Gospel with others, and live it out. While we’re at it, remember to pray. Pray for each other, pray for family and friends, and pray for our government.

Final thought, God doesn’t hate any person. But he does hate sin. Our sin grieves him deeply. He’s just waiting for each person to accept Christ and turn from sin. If He didn’t love us he would not have sent his only son to pay the penalty. No one has to remain bound to sin. Jesus died to pay the penalty, and he rose again so that in the end we can be with him for eternity.

I plead the blood of Jesus

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Eight days ago I got sick enough that I broke down and actually called for an ambulance to take me to the nearest emergency room. On the one hand, I was certain it was nothing more than a horrible case of gas. But at the same time I felt like I was about to die. So, after several hours of not being able to get comfortable, and no relief, I caved in to both my fear, and my training. From my paramedic training, I knew the signs and symptoms were consistent with gall bladder problems, or potentially a heart attack. But that didn’t change my mind, that it surely was just going to be nothing more than gas. I chose to ignore the facts. The ER doctor examined me, ordered tests that verified his diagnosis, and forced me to accept the truth.

From the emergency room I was admitted to the hospital. I was told that most likely I would have surgery first thing in the morning. Now I was really scared. I hate to admit it, but I was actually frightened. As part of my paramedic training I had spent some time in the operating room. I know the doctors and nurses in there are well trained professionals. But when it comes to trusting someone else with my life, I have a very difficult time with that.

Maybe worse, was not knowing exactly when I was going to have surgery. The surgical resident who examined me Monday morning told me it would probably be later in the afternoon. He lied. Sometime around 10:30 or 11:00, I think, they came to take me down to be prepped for surgery. The only notification I really had time to make before being taken from my room was to go on Facebook with my phone and just post a quick status, “going under the knife, now.” I found out later one of my daughters saw that and may have freaked out just a bit. (Note to self, try harder to avoid freaking the kids out. )

The whole time I kept wondering if I had really done enough. Was I really good enough? What if I did die? What would my kids remember most? Did I really give them a good foundation for faith? To be honest, these questions frequently haunt me. But one overriding thought kept answering those questions. I had accepted Christ as Lord and Savior at boys camp, a long time ago. As I was finally being wheeled to the operating room, I felt like God was asking, “How do you plead?” My sole response, “I plead the blood. I plead the blood, of Jesus.” My final conscious thought, was “no matter what, I plead the blood of Jesus.”

What truly frightens me, is the possibility of arriving to judgement day, and seeing loved ones who never made a commitment to Christ while they had a chance. Ultimately, on judgement day, we only have two options available: to kneel, and be found guilty; or to kneel, and plead the blood of Christ. Today is the day of salvation. Which option do you choose?

But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. (1 John 1:7-9, NLTse)

My response to President Obama

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So, our President pointed out this week that Christians have committed atrocities in the name of Christ, just like ISIS and other radical Islamic groups are doing today in the name of Islam. As I read the words that he spoke, and have thought about them I can’t help but feel like he is actually trying to justify the atrocities currently being committed by these terrorists.

Sadly, Mr. President, you were partially correct in saying that Christians committed atrocities during the crusades. Yes, sadly, there were some serious crimes against humanity committed by the crusaders. However, the purpose of the crusades was not to forcibly spread Christianity and murder all who opposed it. The primary purpose of the crusades was to liberate the Holy Land, and others, which had been brutally attacked, and taken over by, guess who… radical Muslims, who declared it to be their God given duty to destroy any who do not believe exactly as they do.

And yes, as I studied the history of Christianity in seminary, I was appalled by the atrocities that Christians, Catholics and Protestants alike, have committed in the name of Christ, even against each other. I have been disgusted at the way our leaders have often behaved. But the sins of the past in no way provide a defense, or excuse for the atrocities currently being committed. And to reference those past actions and failures of others is nothing more than a poor attempt to overlook, excuse, or even worse, to justify the current crimes against humanity being committed by isis and other terrorist groups.

Mr. President, if that is the best you can do, tell us that we shouldn’t get on our high horse because of past behaviors of others who claimed to be Christians, while our nation and the world are under attack from a violent and dangerous enemy, then you are unfit to lead this nation. You should resign, as you have shown that you are unwilling and unable to take any real action to protect or defend the United States, and our Constitution against any enemy. In fact, you are beginning to sound like an apologist for them.

Finally, may we who confess to be followers Christ, fall on our knees and pray for our nation, and for forgiveness, as a nation. We must also pray for our leaders, that they may have the wisdom and the courage to lead us back to honoring God, as well as to stand up against evil.

Memory Lane: Great Big Wonderful God

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Every so often I start thinking, and remembering many of the songs I learned as a kid, in children’s church. I am often reminded, as I drive through mountains, and valleys, and across rivers, just how great our God is. Lately, the tune to Great Big Wonderful God has been stuck in my head. I think I was in about the second or third grade when I first learned this song. I had to look it up because I couldn’t remember all of the lyrics. But, here it is. If you learned this as kids, I hope it brings back some wonderful memories. 

Great Big Wonderful God
Tim Spencer

We’ve got a great big wonderful God
A great big wonderful God
A God who’s always victorious
Always watching over us
Great big wonderful God

He never, never, never leaves us
He’s always standing by
To pick us up when we stumble
We’re the apple of his eye

We’ve got a great big wonderful God
A great big wonderful God
Oh what a glory it is to sing
Praises to the coming King
Our Great Big Wonderful God

Slow down if you have to, but keep going

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Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23, NIV1984)

I hate driving in bad weather, or fog. However, I have adapted, and I drive my truck each day, regardless of the weather. I get really nervous when driving in heavy fog, rain or snow. And days that are just overcast and dreary, can cause depression to kick into high gear.

But I’ve also noticed that when I push through, and get to the other side of that thick fog, or get through the heavy snow or rain, and see sunshine and clear skies, there is a great relief, and even a lift in my mood.

My first few weeks of driving truck on my own, I experienced several days of some fairly heavy rains. I had to fight the urge to stop. I slowed down, and pushed on through, knowing that eventually the rain would end.

I have witnessed some amazing sights, just because I pushed through. Several months ago, going through the mountains of Pennsylvania early one morning I hit some really thick fog. I actually debated if I should pull off and shut down, because I couldn’t see as far ahead as I like. I made the decision to keep rolling. But, for safety, I had to slow down. As I reached the peak, the fog began to thin out until I broke through, into a beautiful  sunshine filled sky and got to the peak of the mountain. I was able to look across, and where I should have seen the valley, all I saw was the top of the fog. It looked like I could just walk out on it. If I had allowed my fears and discomfort to convince me to stop I would have missed out on this breathtakingly, beautiful sight.

Growing up, and learning to drive in Ohio, I learned how to drive in the snow. But this is my first winter driving a semi. As I was coming through the mountains of West Virginia about a week and a half ago I would be driving on clear roads, then as I would crest a hill, or drive through the toll both it seemed like suddenly I was in a white out, with heavy snow, and snow covered roads. Again, I had the urge shut down each time. However, by the time I would reach a place to pull off the highway, things were clear.

So what might truck driving have to do with Christian living? These instances have a couple things on common. First, they were times that fear tried to dictate my response.  Second, I adjust my driving to conditions. And third, there was always a breakthrough.

Life works in much the same way. One moment the road is smooth and things are going great. The next moment you find yourself in the middle of a storm. The weather is rough, the road is treacherous, and you’re not sure you can keep going forward. You just want to stop. Sometimes, stopping, just for a bit, to regroup, is the best thing. But sometimes, the best thing is to keep moving. You may need to slow down, and “drive for the conditions,” But the breakthrough is coming. If I stopped every time conditions are less than ideal, I would get very little driving done.  Life is the same way. We can’t give up just because things get rough.

But there is something more here. Something that it took me a while to see. Hope. Even when I have to slow down, or stop briefly, I have the hope, and the knowledge that the breakthrough is coming. Sometimes it takes a just a few minutes. Sometimes, it takes several days. But the breakthrough, the sunshine, is just on the other side of the fog. And I realized how much more I appreciate the beauty of the sunshine, and the rainbows after coming through a storm.

Tonight, as I type this, I am grateful that I have spent today in the warm sunshine of Florida, after having driven the last several days through dreary, gloomy, and cold, rainy conditions that followed me all the way from New Jersey down into Georgia. And again, I am reminded that no matter what, there is always hope. And hope is eventually rewarded. Especially, if our hope is in Christ.

Challenge for 2015 – Happy New Year

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And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. (Colossians 3:17 NLTse)

Since May 2014 I have spent most of my time driving around the country. And I have become increasingly aware of something; people are very much self-centered. I’ve been guilty of this myself. We drive down the road, frequently cutting off other vehicles, oblivious to what others are doing, or are about to do. Why? So that we can get to the next stoplight a few seconds before the other person? Or we wait until the last possible second to get into the open lane coming up to a construction zone, forcing those who paid attention, and already got over, to have to let us, the inconsiderate drivers, in now that we have made it abundantly clear that our destination is obviously much more important than theirs is.

And let’s not forget about the Christmas season. When we proclaim “Peace on earth. Goodwill to men.” But we’ll run each other over to get a certain parking spot; or sucker punch someone to get that gift that our kids just have to have. And I have no clue how many close calls I had on Christmas eve trying to get from Dallas to Oklahoma City. I lost count after the first 50 people cut me off, or tried to come over into my lane… while I was still there… driving my SEMI.

Honestly, I’m not really all that jaded. Hopefully, my attempts at humor are evident. But, there is a serious side to this. Do I drive as though I represent Christ? When I talk to shippers, receivers, and others, do I represent Christ well. Do I drive courteously, even when the driver who just tried to cut me off, makes a point to then make sure I can see him flip me off? How do I respond when someone flips me “the bird?” How do I respond when I arrive at a customer and they begin yelling at me, or cussing me out because I’m late picking up or delivering? How should I behave in these situations?

I’ll leave you to search your own hearts, and spend time in prayer to answer those questions for yourself. But my challenge this year is to keep Colossians 3:17 in mind. Indeed, there are several passages of Scripture that remind us to do and say things either as representatives of Christ, or as though we are doing them directly for Him. I am reminded daily that I don’t work primarily for the company who’s name is on the side of my truck and trailer. I work primarily for God. I am supposed to be His ambassador, and representative. No matter what I do, or say, his Holy Spirit should be evident in my life. May I constantly remember to behave, and speak, in a manner befitting a child of God.

One last thing…. I’d like to give a special shout out to the driver of the little sports car who made it a point to come around and flip me off… May God bless you, and may He continue to protect you… and all those around you.

Pastor Appreciation 2014

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This is just a short post to share my appreciation for some pastors whom I have had the privilege of meeting this year. Sadly, I am not great about remembering names, but I have tried to remember the churches, at least.

First, I want to express my appreciation for Pastor Nathan Hedge, at May Avenue Wesleyan Church, in Oklahoma City. I met Pastor Hedge around the beginning of this year. He loves his church and his congregation, and has a strong desire to reach all people for the Lord. I don’t know that anything I say can really do justice for the spirit and vision that I see when I get to be around him. He has even made sure I have a ride to and from church when I am on hometime. I know that I am truly blessed, and have no doubt that God led me to May Avenue.

I have also been privileged to get to visit several churches over the past 8 or 9 months, since I began this adventure of driving truck. I sincerely apologize for failing to recall the names of each pastor, but I have listed their church. I will certainly be going back and correcting this oversight as I find, or recall, the pastors’ names. I also pray I have not forgotten anyone.
Pastor William Hungerford – Springfield Dayspring Church of the Nazarene
– Huber Heights New Life Church of the Nazarene
Pastor Eric Norris – Amherst Church of the Nazarene
– Graham First Wesleyan Church
– Northridge Wesleyan Church
These pastors have been very welcoming and even made sure I had a ride to and from church, or assured me that I could park my semi at the church, or very close by.

My thoughts on Robin Williams’ suicide

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This week the world lost a talented actor and comedian. But the death of Robin Williams also brings to the spotlight a very serious health problem, depression. It does not have to lead to suicide. Many people condemn the individual who had taken this drastic and tragic step to end his or her pain. I can’t. I won’t.

I know all too well the pain that leads one to contemplate such a drastic step. I have thought about it many times through my entire life. Fourteen years ago I even wrote the note that I was going to leave behind. Suicide has nothing to do with the desire to die. I do not, and have never wanted to die.  I simply wanted to end the pain that I was experiencing, and that I felt I was causing my family. I truly, at that moment thought that my family would be better off without me. I’m one of the lucky ones though. Upon completing my suicide letter I felt a relief. I re-read it and and immediately destroyed it. I also sought professional help. Find a trained counselor. Preferably a Christian counselor.

To those who may know someone battling depression, come along side then and love them. Encourage them. Pray for them.  Depression is an illness. Sadly, or is a hidden problem. And our nice Christian, churchy platitudes don’t help. But prayer and love work wonders.

Finally, do not assume that one who has taken this extreme step is automatically condemned to hell. First, it is not our place to judge. Second, let God be God. I can only hope and pray that there was once last chance for that person to seek forgiveness. Not to mention, the friends and family left behind really don’t need to hear that.

My prayers go out to, not only the family ams frowns of Robin Williams,  but to all who have lost a friend or family member to suicide.

And to those battling depression, or contemplating suicide, please hang on just one more day. Or, if need be, just one more minute. I know you may be feeling all alone,  but you are not alone.

We are brothers and sisters

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There was this individual who died and went to heaven. And Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates, verifies that his name is listed in the book of life, and welcomes him home. Then he starts showing him around heaven. And he’s pointing out the mansions, and all the rooms. And there’s this huge banquet facility. And it had all these other rooms that come off of it. The door to each room has a label on it. There’s doors labeled Baptist, Southern Baptist, American Baptist, Catholic, Orthodox, Wesleyan, Methodist, Free Methodist, United Methodist, Pentecostal, Apostolic, Anglican, Lutheran, just about every denomination had its own room of of this massive banquet hall. And Saint Peter shows this person each room. Now, almost all of these rooms were nearly empty, and the only way in and out of them was to go through the banquet hall. They come to the last room. Saint Peter says “You have be very quiet as we check out this room.” They look in. The room is packed to nearly overflowing. And there was no one paying any attention to the door leading to the banquet hall. Also, this room was the only room that had a separate outside entrance. As soon as the two stepped back out of that room the person looks at Saint Peter and asks why that one room had an outside entrance, and why it was so crowded. Why did they have to be so quiet in there? Saint Peter just shook his head and said, “Well, they’re Nazarenes, and they think that they’re the only ones up here.”
(In all fairness, you can substitute Nazarenes with probably any denomination or even non denominational church. It just happens that I grew up Nazarene, and that is how I first heard this.)

I went to church this morning. It wasn’t the church, or even the denomination I wanted to attend, but I knew I needed to be in church since I had the chance. Now, when I find myself looking for a church whenever I’m out, I first look for a nearby church in my denomination. Since I’m looking for a ride to get there, I try to look within a 4 to 5 mile radius. If that doesn’t work, then I look for a church in the denomination I grew up in. And if that fails, then I look for something in the same theological tradition at least. If that proves unsuccessful, then I just look for whatever church is close, because by that point, it’s pretty clear that I’m walking to church, so I’m looking for something within a mile or so. This morning, I ended up walking up the street to a nearby church.

I was greeted by several people, and a whole bunch of smiling faces. As the service progressed, I was suddenly struck by the fact that here I was worshiping in a church, and a denomination not my own. And I couldn’t help but notice how much we actually share.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that when we get to Heaven, we won’t be identified by our denominational, or nondenominational, affiliation. We won’t be known as Wesleyans, Nazarenes, Methodists, Pentecostals, Lutherans, Baptists, Catholic or non-denominational. We will simply be children of God. Citizens of the Kingdom of God.

This morning in church we sang songs that praised and honored God. Many of those songs were contemporary, some older hymns. We heard a message this morning that will preach in any Bible preaching church. So I worshipped this morning, not as a Wesleyan visiting a Baptist church; but as a child of God, worshipping with my brothers and sisters.

Frustrated but praying

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Warning: this post contains whining and griping. But I promise to end with prayer.

I didn’t expect the training and truck driving to be easy. But I also didn’t expect some of the things I have seen, heard, and been told.

Maybe if it was just these few things I wouldn’t feel so frustrated. But added in with some things I have recently discovered about myself it all feels overwhelming at times.

First, I’m much more fearful of bridges in the truck. I’ve always had a problem with heights, but now I can actually see over the bridge, and though the view is often beautiful and breathtaking, I have an acute fear of falling. And the curved bridges, where the roads are banked, make it worse, because I can actually feel my truck lean. But I’m dealing with bridges.

The second problem for me is I have discovered I that I am extremely claustrophobic. Which is not a good thing when you’re trying to sleep in a bunk that has less space than a coffin. I am managing to get just enough sleep to be safe. But I don’t want to continue like this for long. I know that when I do get my own truck I’ll have more space. Until then, I’m praying my way through it. (Update 6/7/14 – still claustrophobic, but getting better at sleeping, at least a tiny bit longer)

I am getting better at driving, and gaining confidence. But, I miss my home and my friends, my family, and my church. But, I’m holding fast to my goal, and reasons for this change of lifestyle. That is to have the resources to answer my call to ministry and be able to complete the courses that are necessary. Of course there is also a selfish reason, I want to be able to see all my children more often, which isn’t easy when they are on opposite sides of the country.

I said I was ending with prayer. So here is my prayer for the next several weeks:

image

Waiting

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I think I am learning a little bit of a lesson in waiting. Waiting is NOT one of my strengths. I hate waiting. Not only do I hate waiting, but I am a very impatient person. But over the past month I have been forced to wait. I waited over two weeks to receive my hardcopy of my CDL. I waited about three weeks to begin orientation for my new job. During the two and a half days of orientation, I had to wait to find out that I definitely had the job. Now, I find myself waiting for a trainer. Even though I am getting paid while I wait for a trainer, I don’t want to wait. I want to get going now. I could call the training department every hour or even every minute. Of course, I know that would be fruitless. If they don’t have a trainer available for me, my constant calling them isn’t going to change the situation. So, I wait, knowing that they know I’m here. And I also know that they  know that my sitting and waiting is only costing them money. In fact, until I complete my training, and am assigned my own truck, they know that I’m not even making the company money.  So I know their plan is not for me to sit around waiting for very long. I know that they will get me out with a trainer as soon as possible.

But what do I do while I wait? Fortunately, I have some training material that has to be completed before my training is over. I work on reading, and completing the written material.

Many times God has us wait on Him. What do we do with that time we are waiting. I hate to admit it, but I have usually been guilty of spending that time whining, and complaining. To be honest, I haven’t suddenly changed over night. But I am trying to see where God is working, and what He may be trying to teach me. Nothing I do or say is going to make God move any faster. Just because I am in a waiting pattern on something does not mean he has forgotten about me. God has a plan. Often, my job is to simply trust and follow the instructions He has given me.
I’m the meantime, I continue to prepare.

How do we prepare? God has provided us with training material; we call it the Bible. Just as I have to read the company’s training material to familiarize myself with my new company and job, I have to read my Bible to get familiar with God, and to know what He desires of me. As I do so, I also find myself not only getting familiar with Him, I find myself drawn into a relationship with Him, and with others who also have a relationship with Him. In so doing, I also become better prepared for whatever task He may call me to complete. And sometimes, our task is to simply “Be still.” And wait.

I still don’t like to wait. But I’m trying to learn to use the waiting time wisely. To prepare for the next task, next crisis, or next miracle that God desires me to be a part of.

Blessed and humbled

/ CD Hamman / 1 Comment

Last night I received a blessing that truly humbled me, yet showed me that God is still at work through His people. I went to an Aldi grocery store here in Springfield so that I would have something besides fast food and junk food to eat at the hotel.

I picked out my groceries, went through the checkout only to find out that I did not have the correct means to pay my bill. Wow, so many thoughts and sermon ideas are going through my head now. But I digress. Anyway, I’m told how much I owe, and pull out my credit card, only to be informed that they don’t accept Visa or MasterCard credit cards. But they do accept Discover, which I do not have. Or, I can use a Visa or MasterCard debit card. However, I may only use the debit card with a PIN number, which I do not know. I don’t carry cash, so I say the only thing I can at that point, “I’m sorry, I’ll have to cancel my purchase.”

Just as I finished telling that to the cashier, and as she calls for a manager, a lady steps forward and offers to pay for my purchase. Of course, I protest. I mean, I have the funds to cover my purchase. Just, apparently, not the correct means to transfer those funds in a way that would satisfy the debt that has just been created.

The lady, however, was politely insistent, and even praised God for the opportunity. She called it one of those pay it forward things. I have to be honest, I love it when I have the opportunity to pay it forward. Yet my own pride and embarrassment almost caused me to deny a fellow believer that same blessing that comes with helping another. Not to mention, I would have missed out on the blessing, and the lessons that come from from allowing her to help me out.

Don’t let pride, or embarrassment rob you, or another, of the blessings, and lessons, that God may have for you.

“It Is Well,” even when I screw up

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Well, as promised, here is the video of me singing at church. I wasn’t sure I was even going to be singing, since the service I was supposed to sing was cancelled due to snow. There is a part of me that wants to forget that I did this. I actually forgot the words halfway through. And it’s a song that I know so well, and have had memorized for a long time.

Of course, it is also pretty evident that I have not sang in nearly a year. But, it did feel good to be up there, singing for the Lord, again. It especially meant a lot to me to be privileged to sing one more time before I begin this new adventure into truck driving. Regardless of how this turns out, I will be practicing more often, so that I am always ready when given the privilege to sing again.

To be sure, this was a lesson in humility, as well as a lesson on what happens when I do not continue to use my talents, or to practice them. My lack of practice over the past year has cost me my voice and confidence. Not that I had a great voice, but it was better than this was. But, I know as I begin to practice again, it will return, and I look forward to sharing more in the future.

I also want to thank my accompanist, Bruce for his excellent skills on the keyboard, and his words of encouragement.

In His service,

Carl

Heart’s Desire

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With getting ready to start a new job that will make it impossible, now may be a bit late to admit to this; but for the past 10 months I have sorely missed singing in church and leading worship. All that time chasing after a law enforcement career, and things lost, and now I realize that my heart’s desire is in music and ministry.

Why would God call me? I have no clue. I’m more like the apostle Peter than I am the apostle Paul. I’m often most likely to stand there like Peter did and brashley declare that “I’ll follow you anywhere, Lord,” then turn tail and deny Him when everything hits the fan. On top of those flaws, anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am very much an introvert who has always been afraid of public speaking. I avoided speech class in high school, and only took it in college because I had no choice.

But somehow, no matter how insecure and unsure of myself I feel, when I get on the platform to sing or to preach most of the doubt and insecurity go away. There is always still just enough remaining to make me remember to rely on Him. I have some minor vocal and facial tics that kick into high gear when I get nervous, but when I’m singing and preaching they completely disappear.

I’m praying that spending some time driving will give me some time to reflect as well as to provide a decent income and savings so that I can do something with music and ministry. In fact I can honestly say that I never expect to make money doing ministry. That’s why God has blessed me with many other talents, so that I can work at other jobs and not be a burden to a church or a ministry. In that sense, maybe I am a little like Paul. I can be a “tentmaker” to support myself wherever God leads me in ministry. And all I can truly say about my call is that God called me to preach and sing. Or maybe to sing and preach.

To anyone who reads this I simply ask you to pray for me. Pray that even in the truck, or whatever I’m doing, that I represent Christ well. Pray that doors may periodically still be open for me to sing and preach occasionally, and that I will always be ready.

Finally, I leave you with this question: What is your heart’s desire?

Train up a child

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Imagine my surprise, and horror, when I logged into my Facebook account and saw a picture of my teenage daughter giving the middle finger. I immediately posted a comment that she has not been taught to behave that way. Immediately after posting my comment a horrendous thought went through my mind: what if she had been taught to behave that way? Even worse, what if I am the one who taught her that?

Proverbs 22:6 tells us to train our children in the way they should go, and when they are old they won’t depart from it. The New Living Translation puts it this way: “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”(NLTse)

This verse has been repeating itself in my head non-stop for nearly 16 hours now. I mention this because, as much as it pains me to admit, it is likely that I taught my daughter to behave that way. All of my children have learned some atrocious behaviors from me. Yes, I taught my children the Bible stories, and all the Sunday school songs. I tried to make sure they were raised in church. But that wasn’t enough.

Where did I go wrong? The answer to that question lies not in what I told them, but what I showed them. There was a time, when my children were younger, that I frequently allowed my emotions to rule my actions, and my words. I’m embarrassed to admit that, at one time, I frequently used obscene hand gestures. You cut me off? No problem, I’d just “flip the bird.” And I did this without even thinking about it. Some of the words, and thoughts that use to come out of my mouth were horrible. I am almost 45 years old, and if I still talked like that and my mother heard it, she would proceed to vigorously wash my mouth out with soap. And she would probably still smack my hand if I flipped the bird, or made some other obscene gesture.

Now in my case, my parents did not teach me to use those gestures or words. I learned it at school from the other kids. I recall the first time I used a vulgar word. I had heard a kindergarten friend use that same word as we were walking home from school. However, when I used the word immediately after she did she said she was going to tell on me. I didn’t even know it was a bad word. I ran all the way home, locked the door and begged my mother not to open it, when the little girl knocked. Funny thing, my friend was a preacher’s kid too. And her parents were friends with my parents, so I think I can safely say that she didn’t learn that word from her parents either. I also recall that upon hearing what I had said my mom asked me where I had learned that word. She then asked if I had heard her or my dad use that word and I hadn’t. Up until that day, I hadn’t heard words like that.

Knowing that our children are exposed to these behaviors, and words and attitudes makes it even more imperative that we as parents not simply tell them how to behave, but we must also set the example. The “do as I say, not as I do” mentality is simply not the proper way to teach our children. If we are to follow the verse to train our children in the way they should go, then a large part of that training must include us behaving in the way that we expect our children to behave.

Do you want your children to respect others? Then you must be respectful toward others.
Do you want your daughters, and sons, to dress modestly? Then dress yourself appropriately.
Do you want your children to clean up after themselves, and help with the dishes? Then pick up after yourself, and show them how to do the dishes.
Do you want your children to respect you and your spouse? Then you and your spouse need to respect each other, as well as your children.
Do you want your children to learn to trust God? Then you must trust God.
We set the example. And our example for living lives that are pleasing to God is Christ.

Sometimes I wonder if the concept is too simple for us to grasp. It’s not enough to simply tell our children how to behave. We must show them how to behave. If we don’t, then we are not completing the task. If we simply tell our children how to behave, or what to do or not do, without following our own instructions, then we have failed in our mission. Our children, and their souls are too precious, and too important to only do a halfway job.

I pray that my changes didn’t come about too late for my children to benefit. I also pray that they really give themselves fully to God. Which brings me to one last important part of parenting. Our children also need to see us praying.

My challenge for 2014

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Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. (Colosians 3:12-15 NLTse)

My challenge this year is to put the above passage into practice. What would happen, first in our individual lives, then in our local churches, then in our communities, if each of us who call ourselves Christians would seek to put this passage into practice? If instead of seeking to condemn another person, we simply forgive them. I suspect that there would be a gradual transformation that would spread, and we would become even more effective than ever at reaching those who are lost.
Now, I am certainly not going to claim that this is an easy thing to do. Forgiveness is not for wimps. It’s actually one of the hardest things to do, and even when we manage to forgive, the memories creep up on us when we last expect it. But it is possible. If we will allow the Holy Spirit to work within our hearts, He will transform us into more Christ-like individuals, who are able to share the love that Christ has for is with those whom we may otherwise find unloveable.

Also notice it doesn’t say forgive if the other person asks you to forgive them. It says we are to make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends us. Further, this isn’t a suggestion. It is an order, a command. Paul goes on to say that we must forgive others.

I admit, I have felt some serious conviction over this. Forgiveness does not come easy. But I must. Because God demands it. Because Christ forgave me. And because, if I want peace in my own life, then I have to be willing to let go of the garbage that comes along. It doesn’t say forgive only if the offense was unintentional. And it certainly does not say it’s ok to hold a grudge if the other person purposefully offended you.

Further, it is love which binds us together as believers in Christ. Can you, or I, truly love others if we refuse to forgive? I don’t think so. In fact, I’ll change that to a straight “no, we cannot.” Because when we refuse to forgive we allow our hearts to begin to harden. A hard heart is simply not capable of love, or peace.

Finally, be thankful. When? Always. I’ll be honest, I think Paul was a bit off his rocker here. How am I supposed to be thankful when so much of life gets in the way? You know what I mean. How am I supposed to be thankful when all the bad things like bills, accidents, sickness, death, foreclosures, and disasters seem to be an endless cycle? I have to honest here too, this is also a tough one for me, and probably for many people. But I think I have a solution. Instead of waiting until Thanksgiving to figure out something to be thankful for, think of at least one thing each day. I don’t care how depressed you get, and I am talking from experience, if you ask God to name just one thing that you have to be thankful for, and listen to Him, He will show you several things.

So I think I can sum up this challenge with just a few words: forgive, love, peace, and thankful.

Will you accept this challenge? Or maybe God has a different challenge for you this year. Whatever He asks of us, may our Heavenly Father bless us, and help us to grow stronger in our faith, and in our love for one another this year.

Cleaning out the clutter

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As 2013 comes to a close, and we prepare for 2014, I realize that I have been holding onto some clutter. Some of this clutter is in physical form, old papers, old clothes that just don’t get used anymore, and a couple boxes that actually relate to a good chunk of my emotional and spiritual clutter. In fact, as I moved from one home to another this past March I had to pull out and move those two boxes of papers that I had previously hidden away. These boxes actually represent some mental and spiritual clutter that I thought I had gotten rid of. So, as I clean out the physical clutter from this year, I must also clear out the emotional and the spiritual clutter, lest they kill my spirit and render me useless to God.

Getting rid of physical clutter is often as easy as throwing it into the trash. Or, if it is something that someone else can use, then it may be donated. But how can I get rid of the spiritual and the emotional clutter? For me the first thing is to forgive those who have sinned against me. Maybe it was lies and gossip that have been told about me, or about my family. Or maybe it was unloving, and unkind attitudes from those who should know better. Whatever it was, it doesn’t matter. I have decided to forgive, and release those individuals and their offenses to God. Why? Well, first of all, because we are commanded to. Think for just a moment about one phase in the Lord’s prayer: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” I see two ways of looking at this phrase. First, I am asking God to forgive me according to how I forgive others. Second, as I am asking God to forgive me, I am also asking Him to help me forgive others. Either way, we are expected to forgive others as He has forgiven us. I do not want to be like the wicked servant who, after being forgiven a great debt, refused to forgive a fellow servant of a much smaller debt. Another reason to forgive is to allow myself to have peace. God knows the truth, and He is the only one I am responsible to answer to. So whether or not any person who has offended me acknowledges his or her guilt before me or before God, I choose to forgive. I release them, and the debt to God.

The harder person to forgive is myself. But if I do not, then I will continue to drag the clutter with me. So I choose to forgive myself. God has forgiven me. My sins and failures are covered by the Blood. If God has forgiven them , then I must accept by faith that they are no more. Either God has forgiven me, or He hasn’t. But His Word tells me that if I have confessed my sin, then He is faithful and just, and forgives that sin. And I have. So, now I choose to forgive myself.

Finally, I ask forgiveness from those whom I have offended.

So I am ending 2013 on a note of forgiveness. And when the devil tries to remind me of old sins, whether committed by me or against me, I can remind him that I cleaned out the clutter, and they are covered by the blood of the Lamb. And 2014 begins uncluttered, and with a clean slate.